


If It's All In My Head, Tell Me Now

by Born2read



Series: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain [1]
Category: Life with Derek
Genre: Background Relationships, F/M, Lots and lots of Pining, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28124262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Born2read/pseuds/Born2read
Summary: If it's all in my head tell me nowTell me I've got it wrong somehowI know my love should be celebratedBut you tolerate itIt's like that stupid meme, the one about the way people look at you when you're not looking.
Relationships: Casey McDonald/Derek Venturi, Derek Venturi/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2062329
Comments: 36
Kudos: 23





	If It's All In My Head, Tell Me Now

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Cookie Queen for all your beta work. I don't think this would be the fic it is without your help.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr! isinkwiththeship.

Meeting Derek is unexpected. When Levi came to university, it had been on the front end of an excruciating breakup. Meeting someone—meeting _Derek_ —after the mess of what was his last, toxic relationship hadn't been part of the plan. Upon his arrival, Levi's focus had been on his studies and climbing out of his shell as he worked to put himself back together. Even so, there he is at a party about a month into his first semester. It isn't love at first sight— _it isn't_ —but there's some lust at first sight. It's not Levi's fault, though.

It turns out that the attractive, charismatic guy who everyone seems to know is on the hockey team. Can Levi—a proud, patriotic Canadian—be blamed for lusting after him? How can he _not_ pant after the bandana-wearing man who gives him a once over, says, "You look like you could use a cigarette," and then offers him the already lit one dangling from between his lips?

Like it's no big deal?

The moment Levi takes the offered cigarette from long, slender fingers, he knows that he's standing on the precipice of Something. He's never smoked a day in his life, but he finds himself wanting it, craving it, needing to show this stranger that he can be cool and suave. He flashes a smirk at Levi, takes out another cigarette, and leans over to light his off the tip of the one now between Levi's lips.

Levi's knees buckle, and he nearly loses his footing.

"I'm Derek," says the hockey player around the cigarette. Levi's trying not to focus on his lips, but he's finding it difficult.

"Levi."

He could spend the rest of the party just quietly chatting with Derek, but his new friend needs to be doing and talking. However, instead of leaving Levi behind, he drags him around as well, introducing him to all the people he knows and to all the people he's meeting. He's never met someone like Derek, and Levi isn't out yet, but he thinks that they might have a connection.

* * *

They keep up their friendship after that. He spends the rest of the weekend thinking about Derek, amazed that something straight out of a movie had happened to him. He figures if he sees Derek again, he won't remember the quiet guy he shared a cigarette with, but that's okay. It was worth a night of… whatever that was.

Monday afternoon, he runs into Derek and a brunette he'd also seen at the same party. They invite him to eat with them. Thus, he becomes friends with Derek and Casey, two beautiful people with loud, inviting personalities. He finds himself grateful to be sucked into their presence and finds himself privy to their secrets, hopes, and dreams. Somehow, he's managed to stumble into a wonderful friend group.

And, without meaning to, he's found Derek.

* * *

It isn't until the next year that Levi comes out. Derek is the first person he tells. He doesn't plan it; he doesn't even mean to tell him—not yet. The words just spill out, like when his neighbor poked a hole in the sagging ceiling when there was a leak in the roof, and the whole thing dumped into the living room. One second, Derek asks him if he wants anything from A&W, and the next, Levi blurts out, "I'm gay."

"Yeah," Derek nods. "I know, but does that mean you _don't_ want anything from A&W?"

For some reason, Levi thought his first coming out experience would have a little more fanfare, that Derek might have a bit more reaction. 'I know' was not a response he'd prepared for when mulling this over. A part of him had hoped that knowing Levi was gay would encourage Derek to confess deeply hidden feelings for him. "Oh." He blinks at Derek, and then it occurs to him that he's _out_. Maybe it's just to one person, but he's out. His face falls. "My parents are going to disown me," Levi mourns.

"Oh. This is a whole coming out—I thought we were just—alright." With a sigh, Derek grabs Levi by the upper arm. Wordlessly, he nudges Levi into the passenger seat of the Prince, driving them away from campus. Numbly, Levi lets himself be manhandled without complaint. "I can't do this on an empty stomach," Derek says once they're on the road. If anyone else had said it, it might have sounded like a complaint, but not from him. He doesn't seem bothered; it's just his personality.

Derek is a loyal person who will be there for his friends without hesitation. Still, when it comes to an emotional situation, he's going to put on a front, and there's going to be food involved. Had he gone to Casey, she probably would have started baking for something, taking a softer approach.

Fifteen minutes later, they're crammed into a cheap booth with two burgers and two large fries spread out between them. "They might," Derek says after they'd taken a couple of bites.

"What?"

"Your family," he continues, "they might disown you."

A little disoriented, Levi nods. "Okay."

"I'm sorry, but this is the person you came to." One hand holding a burger, Derek uses the other to gesture at himself. Levi follows the motion of his hands. "If you wanted someone to cheerleader you and tell you about how your family probably loves you no matter what, you should have done this with Casey."

It's a good point, but sometimes Derek's brusque nature still takes him by surprise.

"If they do, it's going to suck—a lot. But at the end of the day, it's their loss. They'll be the ones to make the decision. You don't have any younger siblings?"

Levi shakes his head to confirm.

Talking around another bite, Derek nods. "Thought so. If you did, I'd say it might be even harder if they disown you, but they can't keep you from seeing Mabel." Mabel is Levi's older sister; they grew up pretty close, and he has a feeling that she won't be surprised at him coming out, either. In hindsight, there were several hints. Derek continues, and Levi tunes back into the conversation. "People suck sometimes. I've never met your family, so I'm not going to lie to you and say that it's all going to be fine because that's setting you up for failure." King of the Lies, except for when it came down to something meaningful. "I can't really say if them disowning you is you being dramatic, or something that is a real possibility. At the end of the day, you have to figure out how much of yourself you want to share with your parents, and if they can't accept you for being a cool, normal human being, then I repeat, that is their loss."

"It's a real possibility, I think." There's a chance that Levi is thinking irrationally and dramatic. He knows that. And there are stories of people who come out, and their parents open their minds because they love their children more than they love their religion, but he doesn't think that's going to be his story.

"That's something you'll have to mentally prepare yourself for, then. Won't make it suck any less, but at least it won't be a shock." Shoving a handful of fries into his mouth, Derek meets his eyes. "No matter what happens, you have value as a person, and you ought to remember that, whether or not other people can see it."

Despite this sage advice being offered with a mouthful of food, Levi finds that he does feel a little better. At this moment, he thinks that he might be a little bit in love with Derek. "I'll try and keep that in mind."

"If your parents _do_ disown you, mine and Casey's family will adopt you." He grinned, washing down his chewed potatoes with a sip of coke. "Anyway, you are who you are, and there's nothing wrong with that." A beat. "Unless, of course, you're Casey."

* * *

Later, when they're back in the car, it occurs to Levi that he should thank Derek. He'd been on the verge of a panic attack when he'd dragged Levi out the door. He glances over at his friend, finding Derek's brows furrowed, fingers tapping on the steering wheel. It's the same look and restlessness he gets when he's _actually_ studying and not pretending so that Casey will get off his back.

Maye Levi has been a little bit in love for a while now because he always notices these bits and pieces about Derek, collecting the information in his back pocket.

"That was surprisingly helpful," he teases. But then he offers Derek a genuine smile. "Thank you."

"I know something about closets." Derek shoots him a brief, tight smile back.

At first, he thinks that Derek might have been talking about his own sexuality, but in the time Levi has known him, Derek's never shied away from the subject. He's never hidden away when flirting with a guy, never glanced around to see who was paying attention when he took a guy's hand. Derek treats sex, relationships, and romance with guys the same way he treats women. Having met Derek's family, too, he knows that they're aware of his proclivities.

No, Derek is out and proud. That evening, when Levi asks for Derek's coming out story, Derek shrugs. "I don't have one."

Derek simply exists in the world, comfortable in his own skin, and fuck anyone who has a problem with it. As far as his sexuality, he's never spent a second in the closet. It's nice. Refreshing. Levi envies Derek for it.

Some days—even years after that trip to A&W—he tries to figure out what Derek could have possibly been talking about. He never asks, though, and Derek never volunteers to elaborate. Perhaps, somewhere in the back of his mind, there's a part of him that knows the answer, refusing to acknowledge it as truth.

Ignorance is, as they say, bliss.

* * *

It's not until they finish university that Levi finds out what it's like to kiss Derek and, more importantly, to date him. Neither Derek nor Levi have anything lined up. The three of them spend so much time together that it seems only natural to follow the person in their life with a plan. So, he and Derek follow Casey to Toronto.

The three of them share an apartment. It's a good time, but it can be hard living with the object of your affection and pretending to be just friends. He'd seen Derek shirtless before—countless times—but now, he's seeing Derek shirtless coming out the shower or Derek coming out of his room in low sweats after someone had just spent the night. It's not easy, but Levi is happy.

Mostly.

One night while Casey is working late, Derek somehow manages to convince Levi to break into her room with him. When they're done going through Casey's things, they take a break on her bed, lying on their backs and staring up at the ceiling.

"I don't know how you talk me into these things."

Derek snorts. "I'm very gifted at getting people to do things they pretend they don't want to do."

As much as he wishes it was and he could call Derek on his bullshit, it's not even an exaggeration. Levi has watched Derek talk himself out of problems countless times. "One of the many things I love about you," Levi says.

"Oh, there are many things?" Shifting, Derek leans on one elbow to stare down at him.

Turning red, Levi tries to avoid his gaze, but Derek is having none of that. He squirms at the poke Derek gives him in the ribs. "Yes, of course." He adds an eye roll, hoping Derek can't hear his heart quicken. "You know you're great; you don't need me to say it."

"Nah. But I _like_ hearing you say it."

He's not sure how they wind up there, but the next thing he knows, they're kissing. Time passes, though he has no real concept of how long it is. All he's aware of is Derek's large, warm hands pulling him forward by the ass and heated kisses trailing his neck. The sound of the front door echoes through the small apartment, and they wrench apart. At first, he worries that maybe it's shame, embarrassment, or regret that has Derek yanking from his mouth so fast he nearly flies off the bed. Then, he remembers they're in Casey's room. On Casey's bed.

Whoops.

When Derek grabs his hand, grinning at him with their shared secret, it feels like flying. Happiness radiates out from his chest down to his toes. He's been in love with Derek for so long that Levi can't comprehend that this is really happening. It has to be a dream. For a moment, Levi's convinced that it is, but then Derek, laughing, drags him into his room, pinning Levi against the door and firmly planting him in reality. This is happening.

* * *

Later, they decide it's best to keep this between them for a bit. "It is still new," Levi agrees. He wants to shout it from the rooftops, but Derek makes a solid point.

"And Casey can be sensitive about these things."

That, too, Levi knows to be true. He loves her to death, but she always takes issue with the people Derek decides to seriously date. No one is good enough for Derek Venturi. She's right in a way. He certainly doesn't think he's good enough. "She's not going to like it more if she finds out we kept it from her."

Derek draws his hand up Levi's naked side, making his breath catch. "We won't tell her that we kept it from her. I want this to stay between us, just for a little bit."

This request is a softer, more vulnerable side of Derek that he hardly ever gets to see. Usually, it's reserved for Marti (even Casey, though he'll deny it until his very last breath). Being let in on this part of him, being made an exception makes it seem like, maybe, this means more to Derek than one of his casual things. Not to mention, three people living together can get a little complicated at times. Add in that two of them are dating, and things can get messy, no matter how well everyone gets along.

Still, he hopes it means more to Derek. He's not sure how well he'll cope if he has to go back to watching Derek bring home randoms, pretending like their time together had meant nothing.

"Me, too." He smiles, fond, touching a hand to Derek's cheek. "I like you a lot." So much for even attempting to play casually with this.

The corners of Derek's lips quirk upward. "I like you, too. Obviously."

He takes a deep breath. "I don't—if something happens, I want to stay friends." Levi stares up at him. He might regret this request one day in the future, but he can't imagine a world where Derek isn't in his life. Casey, too, for if he's to lose Derek, he'll likely lose her as well. "I know that doesn't always work for people, but—" he shrugs, unable to express everything he's feeling.

* * *

It turns out they needn't have bothered having that conversation, though Levi likes that they did. While Derek may be an expert liar, Levi isn't subtle. He can't help but stare at his boyfriend (that's a conversation they'd yet to have, but he likes to think it in his head because they'd more or less agreed). Like a starstruck fan, he can't keep his eyes off him now that he knows what his kisses feel like. Growing intimately familiar with Derek day by day, he's unable to pretend like he doesn't want him anymore.

Even if he wasn't completely obvious, the jig is definitely up the night Casey catches him sneaking out of Derek's room.

He's quietly closing the door behind him—Derek had fallen asleep, and it had taken all of his resolve to leave the room, but Casey is a very effective alarm, and they'd be caught if he spent the night—and when he turns, he nearly runs directly into Casey. They'd thought she was asleep when Levi had gone to her room, but she must have woken up. She's wearing her oversized Minnie Mouse t-shirt nightgown, hair pulled up into a ponytail, a glass of water in hand. Blinking owlishly at him, her gaze slides to Derek's door. "Are you sneaking around?" She asks, voice trembling.

"No!"

Not saying a word, her eyes slide back to him. Staring.

"Okay," he sighs. "Maybe?" He's unable to keep the glee from his voice. He knows she'll probably be upset about being lied to. Still, she's not necessarily entitled to anything about either of their relationships. Never in his wildest dreams did Levi imagine it would be him sleeping with Derek.

"Oh." Silence fills the tiny, cramped hallway. For some reason, Levi feels more exposed by being caught than he ought to, considering it's not really her business, and they're two consenting adults. "I suspected," she finally says, gaze shifting to the floor.

"We were just—keeping it to ourselves for a while." He doesn't owe her an explanation, but Levi adores Casey. She and Derek are his two best friends, and he doesn't want this to become a thing between them. He can see why not being told feels a bit like being lied to. "It was new, and we didn't want it to get awkward if it didn't work out. We did plan to tell you."

Her head jerks in a nod. "Yeah, of course. It's—I mean, it's not really any of my business, anyway. And I know that you've always—"

"You knew?"

Her laugh almost sounds like a sob—he struggles to find how it could possibly be _that_ funny—and her shoulders sag. "Yeah, of course. You never said, but I guessed. And then, well, it's hard to keep a secret like that in an apartment this small."

He smiles. "You don't know what it's like having been in love with him for so long," he tells Casey. "Finally having him feels like…" He sighs, content, leaning back against the wall. It's nice to finally be able to talk to someone about what he's feeling. "I'm on top of the world every day."

Her voice sounds tight; she must not have been awake very long, her voice likely thick with sleep. "I can't even imagine what you're feeling." She squeezes the glass. "I'm happy for you." Casey keeps her face cheerful, but there's a carefulness to it. Levi can't read Casey as well as Derek, but he knows this expression. It's the same practiced, false cheeriness she has on her face when she's forced to spend time with Victoria. She's supporting them, yes, but he suspects she's not quite over being kept out of the loop. And maybe she's worried about what it's going to be like with the three of them sharing an apartment because she says, "It _is_ a small apartment."

"Thank you." Levi doesn't want it to get weird between them. He wants to keep their little trio intact.

Before he can say anything to that effect, Casey offers him a more genuine smile. He breathes a sigh of relief. "You have seemed happier these last few weeks. This is—the timing is perfect, really, because I've been thinking about getting my own place."

"You don't have to do that."

She shakes her head. "No, I don't want to interfere, and I know that I will if I live here. You two need room to grow, really. I want you both to be happy." No matter her initial reaction, this feels honest and truthful.

"I am. So happy. Beyond thrilled." Levi exhales as he straightens up. "I think it could really work between us."

"Great." She sniffs a little, tugging on the collar of her shirt. "I really should get to bed, but yanno, congratulations."

"Really, don't feel like you have to leave because of this," he insists. It would be weird living together without her. She sniffs again, and he frowns, concerned. "Allergies acting up again?"

"Yeah." Her voice now is bright. Maybe now that the shock is wearing off, she really can be happy for them. "Night, Levi."

Beaming, he turns and heads for his room. "Night."

She moves out two weeks later.

* * *

Derek takes the move pretty hard. In fact, he takes it personally. "I don't understand _why_ ," he tells her, following her around the apartment as she packs her things. Thankfully, she doesn't attribute it to the fact that she caught them sneaking around. When she and Levi talk about it privately, she vehemently denies that it's the reason. He only half believes her. Casey does make several well-reasoned arguments for her move, so there was maybe some truth to the fact that she'd already been considering a move.

The stepsiblings don't talk for close to two months after she moves. Levi knows she worries about him, however. When they talk, she doesn't ask about him directly, but she finds a way to bring the conversation around to how he's doing. Levi feels partially responsible, even a little guilty, but Edwin is quick to assure him that it isn't his fault.

The kid knows something that he's not telling. Very rarely does Edwin say something so sincerely and with such confidence.

"There's more to why she left than what she's saying," Levi confirms.

He looks uncomfortable but nods.

"And you can't tell me." It's not a question. Edwin's loyalty, first and foremost, is to his family.

"Sorry." He sounds like he means it, too.

Levi sighs. From the beginning, he has always understood that there are some things between Derek and Casey that he'll just never understand. Their relationship is immensely complicated, and it always feels like there's an undercurrent bubbling in every reaction.

"They'll get over it," Edwin offers. "They always do."

And they do. As they near the two-month mark, Casey calls Derek out of the blue. Because he's a great stepbrother—a real family guy, his boyfriend—Derek drops everything and immediately goes to her. This is something Levi had grown used to in sharing their friendship. He's not even all that upset that their plans—scheduled several weeks in advance—have to be changed.

It's fine.

After that, things return to normal. Casey starts to come over for visits, or they go to her new place (though Derek insists on making disparaging remarks about it). Sometimes she and Levi hang out, and sometimes she and Derek hang out. It feels like before, but also not. For example, he can now take Derek's hand whenever he wants or kisses him when the urge strikes.

* * *

Casey starts dating some guy she met at a bookstore. He doesn't work there or anything, just hangs out there. Derek can't stand him. Understandably, given that the guy is a bit of a douche and gives off some very strange vibes, but there are nights since meeting him that Derek can talk of nothing else aside from how Casey is wasting her time with him.

Tired, Levi tugs on Derek's belt buckle. "She's a big girl. One day, she'll learn that she deserves more."

"And what gives him the right to act like that?" Derek's face is scrunched up, but he thrusts his hips forward, allowing Levi to start the beginning of distraction as he undresses Derek. It isn't until Levi nips at the soft skin beneath his hipbone that his boyfriend shifts his gaze down toward him.

"He won't last long; they never do." With a practiced motion, Levi yanks down his boyfriend's jeans and boxers. They're at the Comfortable stage in their relationship—the part in a relationship where sex loses all its awkwardness, and you know your partner's body as well as your own. Levi knows what to do to turn Derek on, knows how to capture his attention, knows nearly every curve of his body. "Now, as sweet as it is that you care about your family, can I focus on _you_ now?" Maybe he sounds a little desperate, but there are nights when talking about Casey can take up the rest of the night, and tonight he wants Derek to fall asleep with thoughts of Levi on his mind.

For Levi, being with Derek—being inside him or the reverse—feels like coming home. If it sometimes feels like Derek's going through the motions, well, that's something he's willing to overlook. Not every time can be a perfect time.

* * *

Things start to unravel as they near three years of being together. People can only ignore problems for so long before they begin to fester like an open wound. In the beginning, Levi thought they could last. He'd been so happy with being together that he'd been flying high and on top of the world, believing that Derek was right there with him. It blinded him to reality. As the days turned to weeks, and the weeks turned to months, which turned into years, Levi starts to realize he's on borrowed time. Maybe if he hadn't been so blinded by love and lust, he wouldn't have let things go on for as long as they did.

Then again, maybe he would have.

Even after the realization hits, Levi doesn't do anything but cling tighter to a relationship woven with thin, breakable thread. Before Derek, even in the time after he'd come out, Levi had been in a few different relationships. They were all short-lived, and he could never remember feeling the way about any of them that he felt about Derek—even before that first kiss. It's a gift of Derek's, he thinks. Some people believe that the world revolves around the sun; Levi knows Derek _is_ the sun. There isn't a world he can imagine where he's not sucked in by Derek and all his charm, charisma, and light.

Maybe it's the masochist inside him, but he'd probably have taken everything Derek had to offer, even if he'd known back then how little it was.

Still, it's funny how much time Levi spends watching Derek since they'd met. Watching him, learning him, observing this beautiful man. He used to believe that he was the best boyfriend, proud of how well he knew Derek. He noticed everything Derek did and didn't do.

Then, he truly starts to notice everything, and he wonders how he'd ever thought he knew all there was to know about Derek. Was it denial or blindness that had prevented him from seeing it sooner?

It starts when he comes home from work one evening. He walks in to find Casey and Derek sitting on the couch together. Levi had seen the tableau a thousand times, the two of them hanging out together. This time, Derek's arms are wrapped around her heaving shoulders as Casey cries. In the time that Levi has known Casey, he's come to learn her different cries.

There's the dramatic cry she uses less and less as she grows older.

When she's frustrated—usually, but not always, associated with Derek—her eyes water, but there's no _crying_ , just red eyes and a fierce glare for the world.

Then there's Casey sobbing when she's really and truly upset about something. It's a heart-wrenching sound; the noise comes from deep within, like it's something that's been building and had finally managed to claw its way out of her. Levi often thinks that being Casey has to be exhausting because she always feels more than most people. He can't imagine experiencing what she feels in a single day.

The Casey crying on the couch right now is making that deep, painful noise. A part of Levi wonders at the fact that though he's felt pain, he's never been hurt quite that deep.

Neither of them notices Levi standing in the doorway. He can see Derek heave a sigh before pulling Casey a little bit closer, his full body is facing her, his chin tucked on the top of her head. Derek kisses the top of her head, and she pulls away a moment later. From where he stands, Levi can clearly see Derek's face. The way he gazes at Casey is unlike anything that had ever been on his face when looking at Levi.

It's like that stupid meme, the one about the way people look at you when you're not looking. It's Flynn Ryder looking at Rapunzel, Ron Weasley looking at Hermione.

At this moment, Levi finally understands what Derek had meant when he said that he knew something about closets; he's still living in one.

* * *

After that, he can't help but watch their interactions more closely. He tries to ignore it, tries to pretend he didn't see anything. It doesn't matter; the realization hits him with the force of a professional hockey player slamming a member of the opposing team into the boards. They've probably always been in love. There is, he believes, a part of Derek that cares very deeply for Levi. However, when compared to the torch—no, the bonfire—that he carries for Casey, it's barely more than a lightly smoldering match. He tries to hide from this realization, but once it's there, once it's been seen? There's no going back.

In every touch, in every glance, Levi can see nothing but their longing for one another disguised beneath a layer of friendship hidden beneath a thin veil of contempt.

How had he missed it?

One day, he leans against Derek's study's doorway as his boyfriend chats on the phone with Casey. At this moment, he feels quite tired. He can't keep it in any longer. "Hey."

Surprise registers on Derek's face as he glances up to find Levi there. He smiles, warm and fond. It tugs at his heart, and he desperately wants it to be more than it is. "Hey, yourself."

He gestured toward the phone. "Got a minute?"

"Sure." Derek nods. "Spacey, I've gotta go." There's some sort of vindication when Derek is off the phone in a matter of seconds instead of the usual fifteen-minute playful argument that is their regular goodbye. That vindication is short-lived, however. They're both his friends, and it's never been a competition between him and Casey. The situation is more complicated than that. "What's up?" He asks, setting his phone aside.

Another gesture toward the phone. "If that's—if it's all in my head, tell me now. If you tell me that I've got it all wrong somehow, I'll believe you." His voice cracks toward the end, begging Derek to lie to him.

Freezing, Derek only stares. "W-what?"

"You and Casey." All the pain he feels leaks into his words and from his eyes. He finally understands what Casey must be feeling when she heaves that gut-wrenching sob. Everything fucking hurts. Funny how emotional pain can manifest itself to the rest of the body. He can't breathe; he's trembling and hot all over. "Tell me I've got it all wrong."

It should be a testament to the fact that Derek does care for him that he doesn't lie, though Levi thinks he might have accepted it. Instead, Derek sinks on himself, looking utterly broken. For a moment, Levi wishes he can shove the words back into his mouth, take it all back. Never mind how much he's hurting, watching Derek in pain is a new level of hurt.

"I wish I could."

Clutching the frame for support, Levi closes his eyes. It's not the answer he wants to hear. A part of him had hoped that he'd read the situation all wrong, that Derek would be confused as to what he was talking about.

"Oh."

The sob that emanates from Derek strikes a chord with Levi's heart. He tries to think of a time he's seen Derek cry. In all the years he's known him, Levi can't recall one instance. "I never meant—" the words spill from Derek's lips in a rush, raspy and choked. "I wanted to love you more than I've ever wanted anything else. I wanted this to be right and it. I'm sorry. But Casey, she's—and I—I never wanted to love her."

"I know."

"I tried not to," Derek sobs. "I tried."

Stepping forward, Levi plants himself in Derek's lap, wrapping his arms around him. For a moment, Derek resists, but then he gives in and buries his face in Levi's chest, and they curl around one another, both giving and seeking comfort.

"I'm sorry," Derek says repeatedly. As much as Levi wants to be angry, he can't. He wants to feel used, but neither of them asked for this. He's hurting, yes, but so are two of his favorite people in the world.

"Me, too." Honestly, he probably should have seen it sooner; he just didn't want to.

"You deserve so much better than half love."

That's true; Levi knows it, but a really broken piece of him still wants Derek. Selfishly, he wishes they could find a way to move past this, but it's way past that point now. "So do you, you know." Not that Levi had ever loved Derek halfway, but he deserves to be in a relationship that makes him feel whole and happy. "You deserve to give all of your love." When Derek shakes his head, Levi hugs him tighter. "They're not going to disown you."

Since that day that he'd seen them in the living room, Levi had thought a lot about the conversation at A&W. He knows what Derek's worried about. Falling in love with your stepsister isn't ideal. Still, having spent years getting to know the McDonald-Venturis, Levi knows that they won't cut Casey and Derek from their lives.

He suspects, maybe, their family already knows. "They won't keep you from Simon, either."

A strangled laugh escapes Derek as he shakes his head again. "They might. It's weird."

"A little, but they're so supportive."

"Even if they'd accept this, there's no way that Casey—" he breaks off, another sob escaping him.

Astounded, Levi leans back to study him. Somehow, there exists a world where Derek believes that someone he wants doesn't want him back. "Of course she does." It's a little weird to be sitting there, comforting his boyfriend, to sit there and tell him that the woman he loves, loves him back, but that's what he does.

He and Derek had tried. Hard as it was for Levi to admit, they weren't meant to be.

* * *

Derek had never been his.

The night that Derek had offered him the cigarette and introduced him to everyone they met, Derek had spent most of that night dragging Levi around to pester Casey and everyone _she_ was talking to.

On their way home from A&W, when Levi had come out to Derek, there had been a moment in the car where Derek had asked Levi to do him a favor.

"Sure."

"If you come out to Casey, mention to her how helpful I am." He'd grinned, insisting that it was because she always complained that he never did anything helpful, and he wanted to rub it in her face.

Having grown accustomed to their dynamic, Levi had laughed and agreed.

When they graduated from Queen's, Derek had declared his intention to follow Casey to Toronto and they had asked him along. It hadn't been a decision they made together.

The night they got together, Levi had been so preoccupied with being wrapped up in Derek's arms, the feel of his warm body pressed against him, the heat of his breath in his ear, that it hadn't mattered that a few minutes after being pinned against the door, Derek had whispered, "Do you think Casey heard us?" Instead of kissing him again. Or, that Casey had come knocking on the door a few seconds later, and instead of finding an excuse to keep her out, Derek had pulled away and let her in.

"I like you a lot," Levi had said.

"I like you, too," Derek had replied. He'd never added the "a lot" the way Levi had. Derek had liked him, cared for him, but it had never been enough.

No matter what they'd done, where they were, or what they were doing, Casey had been there somehow. Levi had been blind—willfully so—not to notice that even when she wasn't there, Derek had a way of dragging her back into it.

No matter how much Derek cared for him, Levi would never be Casey.

* * *

As hard as it is to do, Levi packs his things and leaves their apartment that same week. In the days before his move, they continue to share their room and a bed. It's difficult doing so, and he knows that if he doesn't go soon, there's a chance that he'll never leave. As much as he wants Derek, as much as leaving him feels like being thrust into darkness, this is the right decision.

It's time to put himself back together. Levi deserves someone to love him the same way he loves them; he deserves the same, deep love Casey and Derek hold for one another. Levi deserves proper love; he deserves to have his love celebrated.


End file.
